May 9, 2006

So, I know I mentioned something a few weeks ago about some rabid, crazed animal that attacked someone, well, the reject from Jurassic Park struck again. The news reported that a second victim was found on the outskirts of town and that the body was… well, let’s just say that it wasn’t pretty like yours truly. There have been rumblings about it being a mountain lion and a few people down at the coffee shop are even suggesting that it’s a serial killer of some kind, but it’s all pretty vague right now. I’ll keep everyone posted on it and if Jerry and I get a lead, we’ll try and check it out, but right now we’re at the mercy of our police scanner.

I’m off to rent some DVDs. Jerry’s got plans so I’m flying solo tonight. Suits me just fine… I have some B Movies to catch up on.

-Twigs

May 2, 2006

An interesting thought from a not so interesting man (me) : It’s amazing how much more accident prone you can be when you know that you can’t die. Oh, you want a case in point? Okay… well, for example, just this morning I caught myself on fire while trying to make some scrambled eggs. In a way it’s my own fault for trying to bring back 70’s style rayon shirts, but I mean damn, I went up like a 4th of July barbeque.

I wish I had more to say on this subject or any subject for that matter, but I’m kind of crispy right now and I’m getting my keyboard all dirty with burnt skin soot. Talk to you all soon. (And by all I mean myself because I know nobody reads this.)

-Twigs

April 23, 2006

Holy crap it’s been a long time since I’ve written in this blog. My computer crashed a while back and it took me forever to get a new one up and running. Actually, I shouldn’t say it crashed so much as I crashed on it. You see, Jerry and I were horsing around with my powers again and it turns out notebook computers aren’t as durable as the companies that make them would have you think they are.

Anyway, things have been good. I went on a few days with a girl from a couple of towns over, but she kind of freaked me out and I had to kick her to the curb of shame. I mean, you really wouldn’t blame me if you knew what she did in the bedroom. FA-REAK! Never mind the fact that I went over for dinner one night and she had about twenty cats and I was allergic to every damn one of those feline fuckers. Ah well, it’s better to have loved than never to have loved at all, right? Or… in my case… it’s better to have hooked up a couple of times with a real, live girl than watch softcore porn in the wee hours of the morning on Cinemax.

Aside from my love life, there has been some excitement in town. The police found a body over on the East side the other night. They’re not sure what the story is yet, but the person was torn to shreds by what appeared to be a mountain lion or bear or some shit like that. Crazy. Just when you thought it was safe to take a spring stroll, the animal kingdom steps up and knocks your ass down.
Well, I’m headed on out to see V For Vendetta. It’s finally at the discount theater, so I’m all over that like flies on shit.

Did I mention I’m a cheap bastard?

-Twigs

March 15, 2006

I’m such a slacker shit. I set up this blog, and now I’ve completely spaced on it. I promise I’ll get better at making more frequent postings, but… does anyone even care? I bet the only person reading this is my mom. (Hi mom!) Actually, that’s not true. I haven’t officially outed myself to my mom yet. And that’s not outing as in… “Hi, Mom… I’m kind of like Ryan Seacrest, if you get my drift.” No, my kind of outing is… “Hi, Mom… I’m kind of like Vlad the Impaler in that I can’t die.” I’m just not sure if my mother could handle that at this point in her life. In fact, she’d probably put me in a mental hospital thinking I made the story up. So, for now, it’s better to remain on the down low as far as the I can’t f’n die revelation.

I have a date this weekend. It’s with this cute blond girl I cash my check with at the bank. She was always kind of flirty and then just out of nowhere asked me out. Who am I to turn down a cute blond interested in yours truly? That’s me… a people pleaser.

Jerry and I went out to his pub down the street the other night for a few beers. Some lushed up stiff started a fight with me halfway through the night, so I did what any immortal would do… I broke a bottle over the bar and shoved it into my own belly. It freaked the guy out completely and that was pretty much the end of it. Kind of sucks now though because Jerry and I aren’t welcome back to that place. And man, they had some cheap beers!

-Twigs

March 2, 2006

Sorry for being MIA, people. I just needed to download and step away from the computer for awhile. I think I’m having an early midlife crisis, though I’m not sure why that would even be an issue seeing I can’t die. Man, when you really think about that, it’s not as fun as it sounds. I had a scary thought the other day. Let’s say for the sake of sakes that I live forever. I’m going to see everyone in my life die… everyone. I’m going to be an old, miserable, lonely immortal. That is a depressing thought. Now I know why Tom Cruise was so dependent on Brad Pitt in “Interview With a Vampire.” He just wanted a friend.

I guess… if you think about it… I could juice up the people around me with the same shit that turned me into the human pincushion, but Jerry says that could be a bad thing. He says we’re messing with “God’s work.” I guess. I don’t know… I’m just having a hard time wrapping my brain around all of this nonsense. I just don’t want to be 300 years old, sitting in an apartment with 300 cats and watching old reruns of Seinfeld, laughing at Kramer all by myself. And then, you get so depressed that you can’t even do anything about it. It’s almost like torture.

Ugh! Okay, I need to go lay down and take a nap before I breakdown completely.

I swear I’ll finish telling you the Chinese restaurant story. That’s next… I promise.

-Twigs

February 24, 2006

So I saw some action last night. Jerry heard from a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that there were some illegal happenings on the “upper floor” of a local Chinese restaurant. Basically what we heard was that the place was a front for a little suburban prostitution ring. Turns out, the source couldn’t have been more wrong.

Jerry and I went to the restaurant for dinner. I ordered a #12, which was basically a plate overflowing with chow mein, pork fried rice and beef teriayki. We sat down, drank our free water and ate our $5.00 meals. When we were done, I made a move for the bathroom, but instead did a fancy spin move worthy of the NFL and made my way up a tiny flight of stairs. When I got to the top, the only thing that stood in my way was a red curtain. Nope… not even a door. So, I poked my head in and what did I see? Guns… lots and lots of guns.

Nope, there wasn’t a prostitution party going on, but instead, someone was in the business of selling guns, and from what I could tell, it wasn’t a legit set up. What was funny though was that, the guys that were in there seemed genuinely surprised to see me and I just felt like smacking them around and yelling at them for having only a curtain as a door. I mean, what the hell? It’s not like you can lock a curtain! How stupid can you get?

So anyway, I walked in there and asked where my order of lobster sauce was. Needless to say, they were not happy to see me. One guy stepped up into my face and instead of taking the long approach (I really had to go to the bathroom), I just punched him right in his head. Immediately it went bad. We’re talking being attacked at all angles, but lucky for me, I can take a punch these days and they knew they were in trouble. That’s when they started shooting up the place. And by place I mean me. I took 126 hits to my body that night. That’s 126 holes for Jerry to putty up when we got back to our place. The little guy was exhausted by the time we were done.

I would go into the details a little more, but I think I’m going to save that for next time, just in case nothing else happens in my life until then. At least I’ll have something to talk about.

However, I have to say this… WHY DOES EVERYONE USE GUNS? Doesn’t anyone fight with clubs and wooden planks anymore? It would make my life so much easier.

-Twigs

February 20, 2006

Well, I made it through another long, boring weekend. I really need to get a life. I mean seriously, when I’m not having my body pushed to its limits, I’m usually just positioned in the indentations (that I made mind you) on the couch, watching really bad television. When not doing that, I’m selling riding lawnmowers and snow blowers to fat bastards who want to accomplish the least amount of exercise humanly possible. I mean seriously, my life is sad.

If my above paragraph didn’t state the case, not much has happened since my last post in the way of super hero work. Jerry says he has something brewing though, so I’m hoping we’ll get to go nutty sometime soon. I’ve actually been working on some tough guy, action movie lines. What do you think of, “THE ONLY WAY YOU’LL (insert whatever the jackass is claiming he’s going to do here) IS OVER MY DEAD BODY!” I know it’s simple, but it’s sort of one of those inside jokes that Jerry and I will laugh at. You know… because I can’t die.

I need a beer. Later.

-Twigs

February 16, 2006

I realized this morning that Valentine’s Day just slipped by me completely unannounced. I don’t really have a lady love in my life, so it’s not an important day for me to remember I guess. That being said, I did score some chocolates about a half hour ago at 40% off. I high fived myself in my head when I bit into a caramel. That is some good stuff!

I wish I had more to talk about, but it’s been a pretty boring couple of days. Much of it was spent lying on my stomach watching soaps (Days of Our Lives is surprisingly good actually) while healing up from a gunshot wound to the butt region. For whatever reason, I have a harder time regenerating tissue and skin back there. I’m going to have to have Jerry look into that. And before you go and get any wrong ideas, I don’t mean that he’d be literally looking into my ass, you bunch of sickos!

Before I go, I just want to make a suggestion. If you like women and you fancy yourself a leg man, check out Dancing With The Stars tonight. It doesn’t get any better than Stacy Keibler. Unless of course, you had Stacy Keibler dipped in chocolate and caramel. That is some good stuff right there!

-Twigs

February 14, 2006

So, I know I mentioned Jer and I were going to bust up a meth lab, but man o man I had no idea what those crazy Bunsen burner types were capable of. Let’s just say they really caught me by surprise.

It all started when we began hearing rumblings about a couple of trust fund babies who were running the synthetic druggie warehouse out of a condo on the west end of town, so we checked into it for about a week and then loaded up the meat wagon and headed over there just last night. We staked out the joint for what felt like nine hours until I couldn’t take hearing Jer’s “why did they mess with the Avengers” whining any longer, so I jumped out of the car and decided to just… I don’t know… ring the bell. (Jer was not happy by my approach.)

So anyway, I walked up the stairs, checked my hair in the reflection of their storm door (big surprise, I looked GREAT!) and then I just took my finger and… DING DONG!

Some guy in an “I’m With Big Guy” t-shirt with an arrow pointing down to his junk answered the door. I decided to call him Chuck even though I had no idea what his real name was. The conversation went something like this.

“Hey Chuck,” I said.

“My name’s not Chuck,” Chuck said.

“Now I’m just embarrassed. You look like a Chuck. Are you sure you aren’t Chuck?”

“What the hell do you want,” Chuck said, already irritated by my voice.

“Well…” (here’s where I got tough) “I’m going to have to ask you to close down your crank lab and take up a new hobby.”

The guy tweaked (as it turns out, that’s also another name for meth) and started hollering to his friends. Here’s where it got really mind blowingly interesting. It turns out, his friends were all martial arts experts. I shit you not. It was like a goddamn action movie where everyone knows how to kick ass. All of a sudden there were like five frat boy ninjas on me and I swear to God, all I could do was laugh myself into an asthmatic frenzy.

That really pissed them off.

After a couple of roundhouses to the face and a few kidney punches that I could actually do without for the rest of my life, a guy wearing a “Kiss My Weiner, It’s Irish” t-shirt pulled out a gat and popped a cap in my ass. And I mean that literally. The guy really shot me in the ass.

Anyway, I know I’m rambling, but let’s just say that after about 20 minutes of Three Stooges-like knuckle heading, I finally overcame the kicktacular team of Chuck and his ninja buddies. Long story short, I may have gotten shot in the ass, but at least Jer and I kept some drugs from hitting the streets. That’s about as victorious as I’m going to get at this point in my life and I’m okay with that.

-Twigs

February 12, 2006

It’s Abraham Lincoln’s birthday today. At least that’s what my calendar says. Can someone please tell me what the connection is between the birth of two of our great presidents (Washington included) and car dealerships? Why does Honest Abe and old George care if Ford has a big sale? I know I don’t. I can’t even afford a used Vespa.

Anyway, not much to talk about. The police scanner has been relatively quiet. Maybe it’s the snow. If you live in the Northeast, you know what I’m talking about. Damn blizzards. I lost a couple of fingers in a snow blower not too long ago. Which reminds me, if your snow blower gets jammed, shut it off before you go searching around in there. Sometimes they’re not so much jammed as they are just waiting for you to stick your damn hands in there!

I should have more to talk in a few days. Jerry and I are going to stake out some scumbags who are said to be running a meth lab. My guess is we’ll see some action. Maybe not Die Hard type action, but action nonetheless.

Okay, I’ll talk to you soon. I have to go watch my girlfriend Eva on Desperate Housewives. I can’t afford Tivo!

-Twigs

February 10, 2006

Don’t have a lot of time to write today, but I just thought I’d share a funny story. Remember how your mom and your teachers always told you not to run with scissors? Well, they were right! My other suggestion is, if you are going to run with scissors, make sure your shoelaces are tied. Otherwise, you’re really playing with fire... unless of course, you can’t die. I just got finished putting Boo Boo Goo on the puncture hole. I should be good to go back out in public in a few hours. Talk soon!

-Twigs

February 07, 2006

Well, I know it’s not the most masculine thing in the world to have your own journal (don’t you dare call it a diary), but with all the craziness going on in my life, I thought it would be a good time to do some documentation of my... condition. Besides, blogs are totally in... aren’t they?

Anyway, I recently learned that I can’t die. Now, that doesn’t mean that one day all of the bacon and eggs I eat won’t catch up to me, but as it stands right now, I’m somewhat invincible. I know this because Jerry did everything he could to try and kill me... from cutting me up to making me go boom. Hell, I could be separated into 100 pieces and all I have to do is slap on some Boo Boo Goo and before you know it, I’m back to the same old Twigs I was. I’ll be honest, at first the entire situation scared the shit out of me, but then it sunk in... WOW. Yeah, I said WOW. I can’t die, man. What’s better than that? You throw a cape on me and some tights and I’m an honest to goodness super hero with abilities like that. And it’s funny because Jerry actually suggested we take that route. He literally designed a suit for me to wear. He’s a big comic geek and for whatever reason, he thought the real world lived by funny book rules. News flash, Jer... it doesn’t! I’ll stick with my own wardrobe, thanks!

So, I didn’t take the costumed approach, but I did decide to do some good with my powers. We got a police scanner and started playing hero. Mostly I just smack around wife beaters and junkies. Frankly, there’s not much going on out here in the suburbs that calls for what I’m offering, but I do my best and hopefully make some kind of difference. And at the end of the day, it all comes down to two things... making a difference and chicks.

Now if only I can figure out that second one.

-Twigs

Twigs Dupree was just your average, everyday forgotten townie a few months ago, but things changed for the shaggy headed has-been when he accidentally injected himself with an experimental concoction that gave him the gift of immortality. Now along with his childhood friend Jerry, Twigs wages a war in the suburbs, playing part-time superhero with the help of a police scanner.  Things take an unexpected turn however when the sexy Agent Armstrong recruits Twigs for the FBI and asks him to take down a serial killer known as The Animal, a madman who some believe to be a werewolf, but who in reality is the head of a cult that will make David Koresh and his Branch Davidians look like the cast of Sesame Street.

Shoot him in the head and he’ll keep walking.  Strangle him with a wire and he’ll keep talking.  Send him up against a killer that views entrails as Christmas tinsel and for the first time since he got his powers, Twigs will wish he were dead.

5/12/2006
Check out the interview up at Broken Frontier

5/08/2006
Jason talks with The Sun Chronicle

4/12/2006
More press up at Pop Image

4/10/2006
Silverbulletcomicbooks.com talks to Jason

4/6/2006
The Sacramento State Hornet interviews Jason

4/2/2005
All Ages Zines interviews Jason

3/14/2006
Check out the latest interview up at The Great Curve

03/09/2006
Paperback Reader interviews Jason

03/09/2006
The Pulse interviews Jason

02/26/2006
JazmaOnline.com interviews Jason and Bryan

02/17/2006
"The story should be right up Fango readers’ alley." Fangoria Magazine

Jason M. Burns

Part journalist and part fiction writer, Jason M. Burns made the leap into the comic book industry a little over a year ago after being approached to write a short story for Dead@17: Rough Cut, Volume 1. Since that time he has been working with various publishers on a number of projects, most of which that will be released in 2006 and early 2007.

Most recently he served as Editor in Chief and co-founder for the nationally distributed pop culture publication Severe Magazine before stepping down to accept the position of Managing Editor with Viper Comics. Meanwhile Burns has been concentrating on a film and television career as well, most recently developing a pair of television shows with former “Double Dare” host and current Food Network personality Marc Summers. Burns also recently co-founded Highway 28, a film and television production company that will focus on a wide range of projects and properties.

Burns was born and raised in Massachusetts where he began his career managing musical acts. He has spent the last nine years as an entertainment journalist and public relations professional and considers himself… like most New Englanders… a hardcore Red Sox fan.

http://www.myspace.com/jasonmburns

Bryan Baugh

Bryan Baugh primarily makes his living as a storyboard artist in the television animation industry. He has worked for such companies as Disney, Warner Brothers, and Sony Television. He has also done book illustration for Watson-Guptill Publications in New York. His first comic book project, which he created, wrote, and drew, was "Wulf and Batsy", about the adventures of a ferocious werewolf and a cute chick vampire, published in 2005 by Chanting Monks Press.

"The Expendable One" is his latest work in the comics medium, and he hopes to do many more comics projects in the future. He currently lives with his lovely wife Monica in Thousand Oaks, California. You can see more of his artwork at his website: www.cryptlogic.net.